


Rewrite Your Self Perception

by WishingOnWhishaw



Category: Easy Allies RPF, Gametrailers RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Acephobia, Kissing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Prompt Fill, Sleepy Cuddles, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-13 02:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7958059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishingOnWhishaw/pseuds/WishingOnWhishaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyle has become much too accustomed to the fact his relationships usually come to an abrupt end when certain truths come to light. So much so that it's hard to imagine someone could still like him when his secret is out.</p><p>written for a fic dialogue meme with the prompt: "Look at me—just breathe, okay?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rewrite Your Self Perception

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I love to rub my ace!Kyle headcanons over everything. This fic is no exception. Hope you enjoy!
> 
>  **note:** mild warning for internalised acephobia and panic attacks.

Kyle should have told him sooner, he realises. He never really suspected that Brad would be the judgemental type or that Brad would push him away. Kyle had no reason to think like that, had no real reason to be scared, but he was. There was always that voice in the back of his head saying it would ruin everything, that fear of rejection which held him back. It was the reason Kyle hadn’t been with anyone for so long, and though he trusted Brad, there were experiences which he couldn’t shake off. The anxiety in his brain was a weed with tough, deep-seated roots, and he could never quite get rid of it. Though keeping secrets only ever delays the inevitable, and Kyle’s paying the price now, further down the road, when it’s probably going to hurt even more.  
  
They’ve been dating for a few months, and Kyle’s happy. He’s comfortable around Brad, finds their relationship is effortless, and it’s nice. It’s more than nice, it makes Kyle feel warm and content in a way he hadn’t realised he’d been missing. They’ve kept it quiet for now, and whilst Kyle doesn’t really mind the idea of being open about the fact they’re together, he likes that there’s no pressure on them, on him. At least there hadn’t been, until now.  
  
It’s a Saturday morning, and Kyle’s half-drawn curtains allow the morning sunlight to creep into his room. The world is light and hazy, the sun not fully risen and the day still stretching, waking from sleep. Kyle would normally have complained about the light, would have berated himself for not pulling the curtains shut before falling into bed last night. But he awakes to a sleepy Brad looking at him with fond eyes and a soft smile and Kyle’s grouchiness melts away.  
  
“Sorry about the curtains,” Kyle sighs as he turns towards Brad, rolling from his back onto his side so he’s facing Brad.  
  
“It’s fine,” Brad laughs, his voice a little rough from sleep, a contrast to bright grin he sports as he shuffles closer to Kyle. “You’re not a bad sight to wake up to.”  
  
“Not bad,” Kyle echoes, teasingly. “Not good, just not bad.”  
  
“Shut up, you know what I meant,” Brad quips, his grin unfaltering, rivalling the playful smirk Kyle offers.  
  
“Do I?”  
  
“Yeah, you do.”  
  
“No, I think you’re gonna have to be a bit clearer,” Kyle goads. His smirk says it all, that he knows Brad was complimenting him, but he can’t resist winding him up.  
  
“How’s this for clear,” Brad replies, and that’s all the warning Kyle gets before Brad presses their lips together. Kyle keeps grinning for a moment before conceding, lips parting to copy Brad’s, allowing himself to be pushed back against his pillows, allowing Brad’s tongue to trace his own.  
  
They trade lazy kisses, bathed in the soft sunlight, and Kyle feels at peace. He’s warm and content, feels safe in his bed with Brad kissing him like they have all the time in the world, like nothing else matters. Kyle’s eyes close and the world seems to shrink, reduces to the soft sheets beneath him and the weight of Brad above him, the movement of their mouths the only thing he’s concerned with.  
  
Then Brad’s leg pushes between Kyle’s and it all shatters. The hand at his waist and the press of Brad’s hips seem to burn him. Kyle feels smothered, and the panic rushes in, flushes out the tranquillity which had filled him just moments before. Brad is too close and it’s too much, too much that Kyle wasn’t ready for.  
  
He pushes Brad away, frenzied, and as Brad looks up in confusion he sees Kyle, eyes wide and panicked. Brad wants nothing more than to reach out and touch Kyle again, pull him in, comfort him, but he realises that will probably only make things worse.  
  
“Kyle, are you okay?” He asks gently, but Kyle doesn’t seem to be listening. He’s sat up, legs bent and pulled up to his chest, arms around them as he rests his forehead on his knees. He sounds like he’s hyperventilating, his arms are shaking, and Brad knows he has to do something. He pushes the covers away, gets up on his knees and moves closer, gingerly resting a hand on Kyle’s shoulder. “Kyle?” He says again, the comforting tone twisting the knife in Kyle’s stomach.  
  
“D-don’t, want, can’t, Brad, I—”  
  
“Hey, okay, it’s alright,” interrupts Brad. “You don’t have to anything you’re not ready for,” he assures, trying to comfort, but Kyle shakes his head, grips his legs a little tighter.  
  
“No, I, y-you don’t, understand, I don’t, don’t want to,” He stutters out shakily, eyes screwed shut.  
  
“I know, it’s okay. It’s okay, Kyle, look at me,” he instructs, his voice gentle, but somehow commanding, too. Kyle looks up and there are tears in his eyes, he looks like he’s breaking down, his mind full of nothing but panic. His lips are parted, dragging gulps of air into lungs which feel starved and cannot be satiated. “Just breathe, okay? Deep breaths, in and out, slowly alright? You’re okay,” Brad insists when Kyle meets his gaze. Kyle gives a shaky nod, and Brad starts a breathing exercise for him to follow. Long breath in through the nose, pause, heavy exhale through the mouth. Repeat. Over and over.  
  
Kyle copies him until his breathing falls back into a normal rhythm, and even then he finds himself syncing up with the Brad’s breaths. It grounds him, gives him something to focus on so he can keep himself calm. Brad waits until he’s sure Kyle is no longer panicking before he speaks again, not wanting to stress Kyle out even more.  
  
“You good?” He asks, hand still resting on Kyle’s back.  
  
“Y-yeah, sorry. About all that.”  
  
“Dude, don’t,” Brad replies compassionately. “I’m the one who should be apologising.”  
  
“No you shouldn’t, it’s normal,” Kyle sighs, dejected. “I’m sorry, I should have told you.”  
   
“It’s not up to you to tell me that you’re not ready, Kyle. I should have just waited until you said you were.”  
  
“You would’ve been waiting a long time,” Kyle mutters under his breath. Brad barely catches it, isn’t sure he was supposed to, but he does and the words make him frown, confused.  
  
“What do you mean?” He asks, and his voice is still gentle and Kyle hates it, hates the niceties when he knows what’s coming next.  
  
“I mean I would’ve kept you waiting forever,” Kyle snaps. “I don’t want that, Brad, I don’t think I ever will. I should’ve just told you from the start that I’m defective.”  
  
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Brad says hurriedly, his frown deepening at Kyle’s self-deprecation. He moves in even closer, full of concern again. “Don’t say things like that, dude.”  
  
“Why not? It’s true,” Kyle scoffs as he plays with the corner of the duvet. It’s an excuse not to look at Brad, something to distract himself with as he braces himself for the rejection and heartache he knows is coming. It was nice while it lasted, he thinks.  
  
“It sure as hell is not true,” says Brad, firmly. “God, Kyle,” he sighs immediately after, softening up again. Kyle needs comfort right now, and whilst Brad is angry, he knows expressing that anger will just make things worse. “Listen, I don’t who the hell put that thought in your head, but they’re wrong. You’re not defective because you don’t want sex.”  
  
Kyle doesn’t answer for a long time. He’s sceptical, doesn’t believe what Brad is saying, and he still can’t bring himself to look at him. He’s scared Brad is going to realise that Kyle really is broken, that any second now he’s going to get up and walk out. He doesn’t.  
  
“You really think so?” Kyle finally asks in a small voice, daring to raise his head. He’s met by a gentle smile from Brad, whose heart is aching because someone made Kyle like this, made him scared, made him think he was broken.  
  
“I know so. It’s just who you are, man. It doesn’t change anything, okay?”  
  
“You still wanna date me?” Kyle asks, eyes narrowed suspiciously.  
  
“Of course I do! Why wouldn’t I?” Asks Brad, incredulous.  
  
“Why _would_ you? I mean, what’s the point if I don’t wanna sleep with you?”  
  
“Uh, because I like you, and you make me happy, maybe?”  
  
“You’ll be happy without that?” Kyle asks, confused, like he’d never considered that someone would be happy knowing he wasn’t interested in sex. Brad hates it, wonders how many people have told Kyle he’s not good enough, that he can’t have a relationship if there’s no promise of any physical intimacy at the end of it.  
  
“Kyle, we’ve been together for months. I’ve been happy without sex for months, it’s okay.”  
  
“No, Brad, it’s different.”  
  
“It’s not, Kyle. I don’t feel any differently about you. I still love you, I still want to wake up next to you and kiss you good morning. I still wanna hold your hand and take you on dates. Nothing has changed.”  
  
“Yeah, but know you know. Before, it’s like you thought I was normal, and you thought we were gonna do all that stuff, and it’s just different,” Kyle tries to insist, but Brad shakes his head.  
  
“It’s not different. I’m happy just going on as we were, Kyle. I promise. You’re still normal, this is a normal relationship. Only now I know not to do anything which is gonna make you uncomfortable.”  
  
“Really? Just like that, you’re okay with it?”  
  
“I’m okay with it,” Brad confirms, giving Kyle a reassuring smile. “Can I kiss you to prove it?”  
  
“Kisses are good,” Kyle nods, a small grin back on his face again. “I like kisses.”  
  
“Awesome, because I like kissing you,” Brad says with a smirk, leaning in to give Kyle a deep kiss. Brad hopes he conveys himself through it, that he can use that kiss to show Kyle that he still means the world to him, that Brad loves him just the same.  
  
It might be a while before Kyle completely believes him. It might take Brad months to rewrite all those negative thoughts Kyle has about himself and his sexuality. They’ll get to that in time. For now, Brad’s okay with this, sharing Kyle’s space, pressing kisses to his nose and making Kyle laugh. Brad’s happy to run innocent fingers up ticklish sides, making Kyle squirm, to make him breathless through giggles and beam down at him when he’s swatted away. He’s happy with Kyle, and that’s all that matters to him.

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me about ace!Kyle and his supportive boyfriend (or anything else for that matter) via [my tumblr](http://jollyhuber.tumblr.com)!


End file.
